I’m sitting on the upper deck of a double decker bus and I feel awful. The girl seated directly in front of me with gorgeous long red hair isn’t even filling me with cheer. I’m on my way to work, later than usual so I’m hemmed in with a lot of kids on the journey to their education. I’m down mostly because I had a good dressing session last night and this is my come down. Flat shoes, trousers and the daily commute. Last night I was wearing 3 of my newest dresses, including one that I had bought in a charity shop earlier on that day. It’s so pretty and I had got it for a good price because the belt holes were damaged. It was a really nice day actually, I went with a good friend from work who knows about Anna. We visited the Botanic Gardens in the West End of Glasgow and then had a wander around the shops. She purchased a really nice dress as well from a different store.
I had a good couple of hours and even managed to cook dinner and eat it during my session. I had to put a hair band in to keep the hairs at bay. When my wife returned I could see she wasn’t amused. Normally she is tolerant of this activity, could have been tiredness I’m not sure but last night wasn’t one of those occasions. I had to retreat, a defensive measure. From euphoria to despair, it’s funny how it makes you feel like that. It’s been a while since those feelings have crept in. I don’t think I deserve them. I don’t rub it in her face and I’m careful not to bring it up regularly as much as I’d like to discuss it. I’ve not talked about it enough and as a consequence am nowhere near at peace with it as perhaps I thought I was.
I’m not on the bus anymore, I’ve elected to continue on a bench near work. I often sit on this bench at break times. It’s not always peaceful as it’s near a car park and I’m invariably hassled for directions and I’m rubbish at doing that. Can’t play the ‘new’ card any longer. I wonder what the house will be like when I return this evening. We went to bed in silence. I hate that because I’m always up early and can never make proper amends in situations as I’m the only one up and about. Quite the opposite. I feel I need to creep about (and I must be an expert in creeping about right?). That usually means I’m on a downer for the rest of the day and sometimes beyond. So coupled with my CD hangover these are not the ingredients for a pleasant day. It’ll be a numb one. I’m struggling to find the motivation to return from my break. Full of doubts and self-hatred. I think returning to a room full of people I only moderately get on with is not the best idea but it sadly as inevitable as the tides.