A few weeks ago I posted about a letter I was going to write to my wife. Indeed I wrote it and it worked out to be 5 pages of A5 paper in the neatest handwriting I could muster. I then promptly and metaphorically sat on it for a few weeks, pondering the many pros and cons of baring my soul in such a fashion. What do I hope to gain one person asked of me. Gain never particularly crossed my mind but I guess the ultimate goal was attaining a higher level of honesty and trust. A basic goal and one that is in both our interests.
Well, said letter was delivered this week and was received with much fear and trepidation. I had thought it a good idea to preface the handover with a little heads up but in the process I stupidly set her mind racing with all sorts of terrifying possibilities. The prior knowledge of my crossdressing habit and expertise in keeping secrets has unfortunately fuelled many fears over the last 4 years and once again, not unreasonably, they rose to the surface. My shame factor increased to uncomfortable levels but I strove to remain calm and reassure her that contents of the letter were not about transitioning, divorce or any other thing like that.
The aftermath of its unveiling was hardly an aftermath at all. I detected relief amongst a variety of other emotions. Even a little bit of anger but that’s understandable. She took it rather well as I had anticipated. I regretted waiting a little even though it had been difficult to distinguish an opportune moment. I do not regret however the letter itself. It’s possible I may very well have been able to explain in person but I don’t trust my brain to mouth co-ordination. That has been slowly declining over the years and I find with pen and paper I can explain myself far more succinctly. With this you also have the luxury of drafting and redrafting though I’m proud to admit that I did no such thing with this letter. As I said it wrote itself and why not? It has been gestating for a while now, roughly since February this year. I’m glad I waited till a gorgeous sunny day in June to sit under a tree and write it – not a dour soggy February afternoon.
I know my wife will still be digesting the new information but I think it’s tentatively safe to say it has worked out well in the end 🙂