Tag Archives: purge

Purge

The embed of this song appears to only show up on the web version of WordPress, here is also a direct link: https://chairmancow.bandcamp.com/track/purge

‘Purge’

Anxiety returns
My cup it overflows
Though angles may vary
Just like appreciation,
Although my neck is cracked
I will soldier on
No hiding places left
I’ve used them all up now

Positivity is conspicuous by it’s non-appearance
Long minutes of silence punctuated with occasional excitement
Or is it excrement?

Abandoning my love
An indecisive gesture
Though it’s not intended
To upset or dishearten,
Gradually I learn
To survive these feelings
Gain a louder
And more ominous perfection

Negativity is abhorrent and it’s right in front of us
Long hours of nothing disturbed by sudden activity –
Am I drowning in rhetoric?
In passing have you read me?
So many questions I forget them all
Although I hope you don’t
I feel a purge coming on
Someone says it’s clinical but I don’t know

I won’t abandon anything
Unless it truly deserves it
I close a book to earn a break
And forgot where I put it,
I’ll accentuate the positive
When I know I mean it
It’s the only lie
I can’t bring myself to be a part of…

In lieu of the new album which I shall share in the coming weeks, here is a track from my 2009 album ‘Ole Spider Plate’. This was the first song (and one of few) where I’m singing about my curious hobby. If you’re just reading the words sans the music I bet you’re thinking “How the hell would you sing these words?”. Well I somehow managed. Fear not – it’s not as depressing as it seems. It’s kind of uplifting 🙂

Purging and Progressing

I find it interesting how far I’ve come in terms of style and appearance. It was really around 2005 that I began to take it seriously enough to actually get a proper wig and a decent wardrobe. This short blonde wig doesn’t really suit me but I had it for a while and it was good practice.

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Until then there were countless cycles of of scavenging folk’s cast off clothes and substandard hair…

…and there were the purges. Sad things that they are, within them lie many regrets. I can think of so many items over the years I foolishly relinquished in the hope that I could stop it all. No clothes – no urge. Problem solved. I always remember the one I did in 2010 because it involved my favourite auburn wig.

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The box behind me in the picture is where Anna hid for a few years stowed at the bottom of my wardrobe.

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Try as I might I’ve been unable to find a satisfactory replacement for that one but I live in hope. I have come close. If you’re going to have a purge I suggest not getting rid of everything because it is inevitable that you’ll begin another. If it’s inside of you it will always remain a part of you. I haven’t done it again since but I guess that’s because I went and made myself official.

I have no sexual attachment to dressing which I understand some people have, for me it is not a fetish. It certainly had the potential to early on as I feel sure I remember enjoying my first orgasm during one of these early sessions. I wonder if anyone else  can recall such an event. I can’t be chronologically specific as time has smudged the details but I do know this to be so. Standard masturbation intercepted in time and I suppose I was saved.

As I write, more memories slink forth. I recall with a mixture of shame and delight opportunistically trying on an aunt’s white wedding lingerie – stockings, suspenders and all. I wasn’t caught! How lucky was that? I must have been around 12 or 13 at that point and it was the most amazing feeling. The gentle tugging of the stockings as I walked, their soft and fresh caress of the shape of my legs. I could have worn them all day was it not for the all too present threat of discovery. I peeled them off, neatly folded them and put them back from whence they came.

Discovery is not cool. I have been so lucky over the years with only a couple of close calls to my name. There’s no doubt however it adds to the excitement, much like people who have sex outdoors and in public places.

Next time I’ll maybe recount one of those experiences, until then here’s another suggestive gem from the archives x

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