Recently I’ve been thinking about honesty. In my day to day existence I like to think I’m honest but the more I think about it that’s not strictly true. Maybe that’s normal. I realise we can’t all let our unabridged innermost thoughts loose so there has to be subtle levels to this.
As I’ve discussed elsewhere I have become a bit more open about my cross-dressing in recent years. Friends mainly – the only family that knows is my wife. Even then I have not been entirely honest with her about it. Telling her the basics was difficult enough but I chose to omit certain bits of information as I thought it’d be too much to take in in one go. Those two pieces of information were that I had a name for my alter-ego and that I had to varying degrees maintained an online presence for a number of years. I lied about the name thing because I thought that she would worry it was something more than an odd hobby. Almost like having a name would make Anna far more real and an actual separate personality. Stupid I know as it would have been easy to explain – Anna’s not separate. I’m very much a cocktail of masculine and feminine and can feel either at any given time though it has to be said that my masculine side is the dominant one. It probably seems stupid but I dumbed it down to spare her feelings. We have young children you see and I think that my wife has other things to worry about like them.
The online thing wasn’t mentioned because it wasn’t relevant at the time. When I opened up to her I had just relapsed after my last purge so I had ditched the MySpace page (which was obsolete anyway, like Betamax and Mini-Discs). It has of course became relevant again as I have been writing this blog for over a year and a half now. Part of me wants to tell her about it but I know if I told her, odds are that she would want to see it. Which brings me to the most recent development – the fact that Anna has crossed the threshold. For walks and a night out. The primary reason the blog has not been alluded to as it details all these things and more.
What I’d really like to know is am I being supremely foolish in keeping things from her?
I’ve not held them back never intending on sharing them ever but it’s hard. I love her very much and have known her for a long time, almost half my life, and am sure that she will understand to an extent at least. For a few years I’ve been pondering writing my wife a letter in which to completely come clean. I’m better when writing things down as I know that when speaking, especially about a serious subject like emotions, I become really nervous and tangential. Last week I started putting pen to paper but I started to doubt if I should be so open. I do feel I owe her my total honesty but being a decidedly indecisive person I’m seeing it from both sides. Probably the best thing for me to do is to finish writing then decide.