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Performance Anxieties

It has been a little while since I last did what I term a ‘proper post’. In my case that would be one which includes insightful sentences and isn’t just a pretty list of everything I’ve done and places I’ve been. Truth is that’s all I’m mostly able to do these days since taking Anna beyond the comfort and relative safety of the house. A nice relaxing session at home is rare and I would like to do that again sometime soon, away from natural light, sweaty bars and the uncomfortable scrutiny of strangers.

Since my last dialogue, discounting the two poems I published recently, Anna’s had four more outings and I would say they all went rather well. I’ll briefly share some imagery from them here.

These are from when I played Nice n’ Sleazy for the Spite House/Queer Theory takeover. It was a fantastic night! Some truly awesome acts played – too many to mention. The top image was one of three taken by my wife whom I enjoyed a fun date night with once I came off stage.

These two pictures were taken the next morning when I had an hour or so to myself. I was trying out another new red wig I had purchased the week before. Out of speed my makeup was minimal.

The pics with the houndtooth skater dress are from the middle of April when I returned to Allsorts Cabaret after nearly a year. That was a brilliant show too, hosted by the marvellous Markee De Saw and featuring Daiquiri Dusk, Innocence Bliss, Wild Card Kitty, Sharrow, Miss A. Tique, Ann Phetimine and MC Hammersmith. That last chap was particularly impressive with his polite freestyle rapping. He performed at Spite House too and he was able to do a whole rap where he encouraged the audience to hand him whatever they had about their person and he would include them in the lyrics. I handed him a bit pipe I found backstage! 😆

A week or so later another new wig came, this time in a shorter style so that I didn’t eat it whilst singing or get in my eyes (it does both as a matter of fact).

Later that day I headed off to the Bungo in the southside again to play with The Creative Martyrs, Haystack Monolith and Dasa Fon Flasa. I had a great night there too, Haystack and the Martyrs were on fine form. Haystack’s Slovakian friend Dasa was brilliant too – he did a great rendition of ‘Always look on the bright side of life’ in his native language. I have no performance videos or photos but I did take a few reference shots beforehand as I always do.

The next gig on the calendar was an interesting one. The first instance of Anna and The Well Happy Band being on the same bill. This happened at McChuills last night as part of Yellow Movement Sundays. It was billed as a jam session but that didn’t really some to pass as the turnout musically speaking wasn’t as great as hoped. I was on before the Well Happy Band so after I finished I crossed to the other side of the stage and picked up my bass. I was rather broken by the end of it. This is the only useable photo I took – which is a pity as you can’t see my cute skirt. Someone was taking photos so hopefully I can see them and share them at some point.

I called this post Performance Anxieties because I wasn’t sure what else to call it. I still get them big time but for a variety of reasons. Nervousness varies wildly depending on if I know the venue or crowd well enough. My main worry is my material. I always feel like I never have enough new stuff particularly in the song department. Happily I was able to deploy a new song last night called ‘Why won’t cheerleaders come near me?’. That seemed to go okay but I aim to get more soon. I’ve begun planning a new album for Anna. The last one was hastily compiled for giving away at gigs but I think with time and effort I could come up with something stunning, funny and hopefully musically awesome. I want to call it ‘Tits of Steel’. It was from a comment my friend Mercury said to me after my first ever gig, she told me I had tits of steel. I thought that was hilarious!

I also worry about not having enough or having too many gigs. Having a busy homelife makes it tricky to justify them sometimes and I know my wife does feel left out a lot of the time. I’m not sure I’ve balanced it right but sometimes it is hard to say know when people you admire offer you the chance to perform at one of their nights. Social media makes it harder as well as I see a lot of shows advertised where I think I’d love to play that night, I’ve never done it before it looks fun. You contact them but you get no reply and you think (well, I think) oh shit I must be rubbish because they don’t want me. I hate thinking like that but it’s difficult not to. There was an instance last month of one of my gigs being cancelled, and this was one I’d been lobbying for for nearly a year. I know deep down that it’s very unlikely I’ll be rebooked for another one and that chance has gone.

I’m playing again tonight, back again at my spiritual home Spangled Cabaret. Probably ditching the poetry as I have done on a few occasions. I wonder if anyone would notice if I stopped doing them altogether?

The Imaginatively Titled Post 100!

Hello there and welcome to my one hundredth post. Who’d have thought that was even possible…I wonder what the other 99 were about! 
I didn’t write one after my last gig as there wasn’t much to say to be honest. That night was the drugs themed poetry and spoken word night. I had written something specially, which I may share at a later date, but I’m not sure I was any good to be honest. It was a disappointing turnout – even the person running it turned up after the appointed start time. I also took the opportunity to try out mostly new material but the response was lacklustre sadly 😦

The look I rocked at that night can be seen above, sort of a cute librarian style. As there were meant to be a lot of folk reading the start time was early and supposedly rigid. I got away 30 mins early from work and actually got ready and was out the door in that half an hour. Perhaps I shouldn’t have bothered. I ended up leaving early and was home for just after 9pm. Actually who am I kidding…any excuse to cut about in the outside world in a cute skirt and boots!

With Halloween approaching and the now traditional dress up and watch a movie in the evening with my wife, a dressing possibility opened up two days earlier. That would mean I’d also be able to make a few more poetry videos as well as try out some new shoes and outfits. If I don’t get to do Halloween I won’t be upset as I did make the most of that chance. A lady in work had given me an orange dress with zips up the side a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t too bad in fact it was quite comfy.

Also I dug out a rather cute top I haven’t worn for a couple of years and paired it with a black skirt I’ve become fond of. A comfy outfit to wear for my videos which I shall also share when I’ve edited them. 5 new poems including one I’ve been working on for a few weeks about my Irn Bru addiction…

I should point out that I’m wearing stockings as well. I plan to wear them at my next gig so was just rehearsing putting them on.

Also I found time to take a few Halloween style shots with some cheap vampire teeth. It’s my dodgy attempt at a sexy vampire!

Hope that didn’t scare you too much! Should’ve put up a warning or something ha ha 😄. The Prisma app has a special Halloween filter this week actually. It makes everything blood red and shit your pants scary so I processed those pics through it to see what’d happen.

Aah that’s much better. Hell on earth don’t you think? I better be going now, I hope you all have a fun and relatively safe Halloween. Until next time…it’s back into the closet I go!

Sarcastic Kiss

Let me take up paper and write of forests

Leafy memories of varied significance

The purged sanctuaries and sacred hollows

Naked and exposed,

Let me close my eyes to see it fully

Lips pursed in a sarcastic kiss

Instantly thoughts jostle for position

Drowning out the icy wind,

Let me make an error to fix a mistake

Regretting regrets is my new favourite passtime

For all the forward thinking I can muster

The backward pull is always stronger

Happy to be Red again!

I managed to get a little session last night to try some outfits and most excitingly a new wig which arrived that morning! It’s one I’ve been watching on eBay on and off for ages but finally cracked and bought earlier in the week.

Also I was looking forward to taking pictures with my good camera. Before I shaved and got changed I set it up in the bedroom and locked it off so I could do some male to female side by side shots. They turned out okay but because of the bed sheets it’s hard to match up the 2 images perfectly on my wee phone app.

I wish I’d spent a bit more time on it but I had to crack on with the other stuff I had planned. It was decided I’d make the most of my time and do a few different things I could keep on ice to release at later dates so as not to overshare.

The skirt isn’t new but given the volume of skirtage in my wardrobe some inevitably fall by the weyside. The next outfit was my favourite and the one I kept on for the longest (mainly due to having to recharge the camera battery and then having to wait to start again!).

I like that last one, I think I know how to sit down better than posing vertically!

The last look of the evening was a charity shop find from a few weeks back. Very smart it is too 🙂

As I mentioned earlier I did other things too like filmed a couple of the more recent poems and took some other photos which I may find another post for.

Earlier this morning I found out that the venue my next scheduled gig was to take place at is closing for good tonight. ‘Rockus’ in Finnieston Very sad as it was a really cool little place I could have got to know a lot better over the coming months. It means my next gig is the Extra Second night at The Blue Chair cafè, a themed poetry and spoken word night. This one is all about Drugs. I’ve nearly finished the piece I’m going to read and I’ll no doubt share it on this page once I’m sure it’s finished.

xxx

Hand me down joy

It’s been a quiet old month on the whole though a week or so ago my wife had a big clearout and I couldn’t resist having a look through the piles! Sizing issues precluded most of it but I helped myself to a top or two, a couple of stretchy textured skirts, an intriguing black dress and some nightdresses (which I probably won’t wear as often but at the end of a session they are nice to slip into).

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The Sunday morning I got was also a chance to try my new suspender belt. I wanted a simple lacy black one as the one I’ve had for years was part of a set, the only part I rescued sadly. It was nice to dress in the morning as I was able to apply my makeup at the living room window bathed in natural light. After years of going into the bathroom to do it (a bathroom with no window) it’s a revelation so it is! I think I did a pretty decent job.

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I didn’t have very long before I had to snap out of my reverie and go and pick the kids up from my grandparents. On the way however I went shopping and have ended up with another couple of dresses. A really nice green one – it’s as green as you can get by the way! Like, Christmas green it is and only £2.50 to boot. The other one is from Primark and that was full price but totally my style, a dark green tartan dress with a black Peter Pan collar. It has a slight ‘school’ feel to it, hopefully it will make me look a bit younger. No pics of those yet, next time though!

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I don’t know if any of my fellow crossdressers get this but I’m also experiencing that mad feeling of wanting to tell it to the world again. I realise I’m technically doing that by having an online presence but I mean like getting out the trumpets and standing atop a mountain – a large hill will do. Hopefully it will pass, I guess it must be normal. Maybe it’s also a good sign. A sign that perhaps I’ve finally began to accept myself which I never thought I would do.

XXX

The Letter

A few weeks ago I posted about a letter I was going to write to my wife. Indeed I wrote it and it worked out to be 5 pages of A5 paper in the neatest handwriting I could muster. I then promptly and metaphorically sat on it for a few weeks, pondering the many pros and cons of baring my soul in such a fashion. What do I hope to gain one person asked of me. Gain never particularly crossed my mind but I guess the ultimate goal was attaining a higher level of honesty and trust. A basic goal and one that is in both our interests.

Well, said letter was delivered this week and was received with much fear and trepidation. I had thought it a good idea to preface the handover with a little heads up but in the process I stupidly set her mind racing with all sorts of terrifying possibilities. The prior knowledge of my crossdressing habit and expertise in keeping secrets has unfortunately fuelled many fears over the last 4 years and once again, not unreasonably, they rose to the surface. My shame factor increased to uncomfortable levels but I strove to remain calm and reassure her that contents of the letter were not about transitioning, divorce or any other thing like that.

The aftermath of its unveiling was hardly an aftermath at all. I detected relief amongst a variety of other emotions. Even a little bit of anger but that’s understandable. She took it rather well as I had anticipated. I regretted waiting a little even though it had been difficult to distinguish an opportune moment. I do not regret however the letter itself. It’s possible I may very well have been able to explain  in person but I don’t trust my brain to mouth co-ordination. That has been slowly declining over the years and I find with pen and paper I can explain myself far more succinctly. With this you also have the luxury of drafting and redrafting though I’m proud to admit that I did no such thing with this letter. As I said it wrote itself and why not? It has been gestating for a while now, roughly since February this year. I’m glad I waited till a gorgeous sunny day in June to sit under a tree and write it – not a dour soggy February afternoon.

I know my wife will still be digesting the new information but I think it’s tentatively safe to say it has worked out well in the end 🙂

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Idea for a Superhero?

Trannyman

 

I had an idea for my superhero alter-ego the other day – TRANNYMAN! I’m sorry if the name offends anyone but the word tranny doesn’t really bother me because that’s what I am 🙂

As you can see I shall wield the Handbag of Justice and kick with the Heels of Truth. I shall be more or less invincible.

PS: Anyone who actually follows this blog may be mystified by this seemingly random outburst. I’m still sitting on the ‘Letter’ just now so I’m indulging in some lighthearted whimsy to cheer myself up (albeit in rather low resolution). Hope you all have a fabulous weekend X